Missing Element: The Mystery of ME
Today is July 25th, 2022. Why do I write the date?
Because for 20 years, my path has been to raise everyday people, students, executives…everyone who would listen from fear. It’s the fear that surfaces when we think we aren’t good enough and smart enough or not educated enough, or any other reason for fear. It is deadly. It defeats us and it destroys us. When we run from our goals and dreams because we feel incapable of lobbying for our thoughts and principles…we are defeated before we start. And all of us have stood in those shoes. We fail before we start speaking. Why? Because we don’t realize that we actually program fear into ourselves so that when we fail, we won’t die. We won’t feel so disappointed that we curl up and die.
That’s what fear does. It pre-programs us for failure. We think being afraid is our safety net…something to catch us when we try and fail to make our points when we talk…to make our goals when in the public eye…to make a difference. We fail to matter by our own hand, by our own programming of ourselves and our children.
This sabotage…this deadly dangerous self- sabotage has to stop. It kills hearts, minds and lives. It destroys careers and takes from us potential leaders who could have changed all our lives.
So, what is this dangerous self-sabotage that creates such destruction.
The simple word for it is fear. It chills us to the bone. We are so afraid of it that we teach it to our children and we accept it into our lives and careers.
Too many people would prefer to face a life-threatening danger than to face a live audience. And our lives therefore reflect the constant avoidance of any public presence. Why? That depth of fear carries a stronger visceral response than most anything in our lives.
The repeated question is WHY?
Several things form the answer to the fear of speaking, talking, appearing in public or just one to one in many cases.
Follow me now as we walk through these very basic steps to get to the answer.
But first, know this: this fear is learned.
Is a three-year-old afraid to sing to shoppers in the grocery store? No.
But a six-year-old would likely be afraid. Why? What have they learned between the ages of 3 and 6?
It’s fear in the form of self-consciousness. They’ve learned to see themselves through what they fear are the eyes of those who watch them. It’s an inaccurate understanding of how we see and are seen. It is the father rushing up to his young son in the grocery store yelling for him to stop singing and making a ‘spectacle of himself.’ Saying, “You’re embarrassing me.” Father to son…passing along the fear. Literally turning joy into fear within two to three seconds. The joy of a child simply singing their heart out in the canned goods aisle ‘for no good reason’ was just too much!
But the key here is not that the father wouldn’t have allowed and maybe enjoyed the songs of his joyful son…as long as no one else was around. Why? Because too much joy is too much, and we say it’s too loud whether it is or not. Shut it down! That’s the lesson taught to that boy and by all that heard that interchange from father to son.
But wait! The child had not yet learned the belief in the so called ‘protection” of fear. That child was scolded and silenced to teach him the lesson of holding himself silent and in fear of being seen. Was it conscious on the part of his father? Of course not. Fear is presented as the protector - odd as that may seem. When in truth, FEAR IS THE GREAT DESTROYER!
And that is how it starts.
Little people believe big people more often than not. And if they don’t, then the big people yell and frighten them into silence.
And so it begins.
We learn it early and it goes deep because those we love teach it…either by their words or by their own fearful actions. There is no lack of love here. There is unconscious fear here on the part of those who hold influence over children, students, even employees.
Now before anyone thinks that adults are the villains here. Adults are also the victims. They were taught this fear when they too were unable to push back against the fear. The only mistake we make as adults is to pass it down to those we love. That’s how strong the programming is. And that’s when the acting was brought in to cover the fear. Stiff upper lip and all that.
Pretended strength.
Raising this kind of fear to conscious examination and awareness dissolves it into a cloud of smoke.
Self-consciousness means: “I’m watching myself carefully to see me as others see me. That keeps me safe” That’s the belief. It’s not true. What really happens is focusing on others as we are talking keeps us absent and out of touch with what we say and the feelings surrounding our words. And if we’re absent… and everyone who hears us is likely to tune us out. Of course they would. It’s almost as if we aren’t there.
We always know when someone is really there… really is present.
We just don’t know that we know.
Not yet.
Welcome to Missing Element: What’s Missing in my Life is ME.
About my discovery of The Missing Element in 2009
How can I explain 30+ years of discovering this work? I can write all sorts of snazzy copy, but that’s not how I want you to hear it, because it’s much more than that. It’s all about moving from fear into presence and then becoming.
If you’re talking, you become the message so much so that you are accessible and available to everyone there. There is no barrier. There you are standing in front of them....not hiding. They can connect with you instantly and powerfully. You will not be afraid when you’re present. It’s a fact. Focus and attention are everything. Focus on what you’re saying and feeling, and you’ve become it. It’s about Being.
Fear doesn’t exist unless you focus on it....and then you’re absent from what you’re saying. If you're focusing on fear, the door swings open and the fear begins to scream at you. But the door only opens if there's focus and attention on it. The key to being fearless is to be present. Being present is simple, but not necessarily easy. It means hearing each word as you say it and feeling its meaning as you hear it. That requires courage and trust....because we’re carefully taught to be ahead of what we’re saying in order to know what to say next....in order to say it perfectly. But if we’re ahead, we’re absent. So, it’s trusting that if we’re present we will know the perfect thing to say....since we’re completely connected. In fact, the only way to know what’s perfect to say, is to be present now. It doesn’t mean you don’t prepare. You prepare first, and then you drop into the message when you speak it. Being present prevents fear....it isn’t possible to both be present and be afraid. And being present prevents judgment…since judgment lives in the past.
Think of the superstars you know and love. They aren’t the best singers. It isn’t about hitting the notes perfectly. It’s about becoming the song you sing so that you are an open invitation for listeners to connect with you and to then experience the feelings as you are feeling and singing them. That connection...that level of engagement...is life. It’s food and water. It’s falling in love.
The book and the work are about the Missing Element.
* Catch phrase is ....What’s missing in my life is ME *
The thought is that we often don’t know how to live inside our own lives. We are absent and aloof, and we are then isolated and hurting.
This is the simplest technology, and yet it allows freedom. When we are present, we drop the mask, the fear, the judgment of self and we become the gift that rides out to the listener on the words we say. It isn’t the words so much as it is the gift of You Being You. The words are the delivery system and without presence, the words are empty.
People are so hurt when they can’t find a way to give the gift they are here to give. So they make their act bigger and stronger and even more perfect. They perfect the act and the delivery system....while withholding the gift. And it becomes perfectly empty.
The gift is automatic when we’re present. It’s the bright and shining love that we are. It takes courage to be present and allow this very powerful connection because it moves through the connection from one person to another and it enlivens everything it touches. It is irresistible and undeniable, and everyone who can hear it is touched by it.
Summation: You are the Gift
If I could tell you only one thing…I would tell you that you are the gift. You just don’t know it. You are the gift. I want you to hear this.
It’s not just pretty words.
But you’re only the gift if you know it to give it. Otherwise, you can’t give it. If you aren’t present it’s because you feel protected by your hiding…by your absence. You try to be like someone else. You memorize someone else’s words. And you spend your life crafting a better mask. It takes such courage to step out from behind the mask and to allow anyone to actually see you. You think it’s something to be feared…when in fact you are a thing of beauty when you’re simply you. No rehearsal, no pretense, no hiding, no fearful running away…just you standing in front of me, being open and willing to connect. And the result? Only when you let down your walls of fear can I really see you. Only then can I connect with you. Connection is always the result. Why? Because we almost never find someone courageous enough to show up and be seen. You are the gift. And everyone sees it if you’re present. If you give up hiding, the likely result is the other person drops all barriers. It will allow a closeness that cannot exist otherwise. Why? Because you have become a rare gift.